Well, summer seems over and many families are prepared, for the very first time, to send their sons and daughters to colleges across the country. I hope some go to the University of Wisconsin- wonderful school and they will forever be badgers. I still am.
This is a also a terrific time for fathers and daughters to revisit their relationship. Every family goes through stages that comprise its life cycle. As it goes from stage to stage, there is a transitional time in-between stages in which important changes in relationships between family members can and do occur. This is such a time. While these changes are normative and expected, they are not always easy to accomplish or can be done with little stress or challenge. But they do happen and family members can be transformed both personally and within their relationships as a result.
As a family counselor, I worked with families to anticipate and facilitate such remarkable changes. One change that may hopefully occur is how fathers relate to daughters who have gone away to school.
Let me stereotype for just a moment...dads and men are problem solvers. "What do you need? How much money will it take? What can I send you? Let me do this or that for you" Discussions about interactions, feelings, and dynamics of relationships may be passed on to moms. If it is about hurt feelings or problems with relationships, you may direct the conversation to mom. That is the way so many men have interacted at home, so you perpetuate the system when daughters go to school. End of stereotype.
But dads, it doesn't have to be divided into actions and interactions! Now is the best time to rehearse the new you, the kind of man your daughter may not be used to, but the kind of dad you may have wanted to be all along. I see it as a growth potential for men who are also dads.
For purposes of this post, I will not discuss fathers and sons, or mothers and daughters/sons. That will be another time, after you have practiced and demonstrated that you can relate to your daughter in an equally empathic and interaction-based mode. So, dads, here are eight dynamically posed comments/questions to help you become the real you and in the process, enhance and deepen your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter finally calls, you grab the phone ( you miss her already), but she doesn't ask for anything...she wants to talk over a problem she is having that is hurting her emotionally and causing her some sadness. No, she doesn't need anything and you cannot fix or solve her dilemma by doing something. You have to be present, in this moment with her, and listen, but really listen.
.
Instead of handing the phone to mom, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and begin.
1. Can you tell me what is happening and how you are feeling ?
2. Have you ever felt this way before?
3, How did you handle it then?
4. What is different now for you?
5. Now, tell her you know how she is feeling because you hear and feel that she is upset, hurt, and sad, or even angry.
6. Now, tell her you know what it feels like to have these feelings for they happened to you also.
7. Now, tell her that you know these feelings hurt and make her sad and also angry.
8. Finally,tell her that you are here for her, as mom is, and you, yes you, want to help her cope more wisely and feel better, regardless....
Point- If you really want to keep it just as it was, then do not attempt this. You will fail and all in the family will feel off balance. What I am suggesting is that with the family dynamics changing by her going off to college, you have a splendid opportunity to provide a new way of relating to her. It also takes conversations with mom, for her support and understanding, and even her blessing.
Question-Will it be successful the first time? Maybe not- remember your daughter and wife are used to you being one way for so long that the new you may be unusual or suspect for raised eye brows etc. One dad told me in therapy that his wife was wondering if he had lots of other changes he was planning. Another dad suggested that a conflict developed between him and mom because she was just too used to the way it was, and she didn't want the hassle of his changing; besides, she saw it as her job and he had sons to deal with better than he was doing anyway..
Finally-It is great to be a problem solver. My wife solves problems as well or better than I do, but we try not to divide problem solving from interaction solving. Maybe, in the end, they are the same thing, but for now, how about it dads, give it a try. You are probably thinking that this really won't work. That it is not a good idea. Maybe to try it when she is a sophomore.
Well- Why don't you take another deep breath and...practice it, reflect on it, be more self-aware, and increase your psychological depth. These skills may not be very popular or even promoted these days, but are really important as a family changes over time. Maybe, as your family grows, experiences like this can make all these family changes and issues very worthwhile.
Life is always about challenges and the unexpected happening, so plan for this. You may just like where this will take your relationship with your daughter. And who knows, maybe while you pull this off you will change in the process. I am very hopeful for you and will cover your back.
Special thanks to Dr. Kyle Dean Pruett who originated this fascinating potential conversation between dads and their daughters in WebMD.COM. June, 2014.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Monday, August 15, 2016
"We're all just walking each other home." Eight Misguided Beliefs About Care Giving That Lead to Burnout and Fatigue
It was Ram Dass who said .." We're all just walking each other home." This statement seems to be a very beautiful metaphor: that by being a giver of care, we can all assist others in their journey home, to what ever and where ever that home is. To a home that hopefully is a return to health, but sometimes not, to a home that is one of renewed spirit, but sometimes not, to a home of living with and through chronic illness, or to a home no longer on this earth.
For those who are mourning the loss of someone they love, for those suffering from pain and grief, and for families struggling with finances, emotional, turmoil, and chronic stress, their days are filled with isolation, loneliness, alienation from others,and a lack of constancy in values and shared beliefs. They feel disconnected and suffer greatly in silence.
If people are receiving care from others in their family or professionals,or that care is often from non-family members who frequently travel great distances, a dysfunctional system may be constructed that puts them all, care givers, receivers, and their families, in peril.
While care givers may be professionals in their field, many of us are family or friends or simply people with a desire to care for those who need care and caring. Some of these people, professional or volunteer, care for those in their final journey all the way home to their death. They may also continue to provide care for the remaining families and those most affected by the loss. And yet, the givers of care should never perceive their work of care and caring as not requiring support and guidance and deep reflection if they are to not burn out or become impaired themselves.
The psychological sciences have explored the components of care giving, and I have also been the receiver of care and a giver of care. I would like to offer eight beliefs that are counter productive to effective care giving. . There may be more than these eight, but certainly not less. Some may substitute others for these eight, but the intrinsic value is in conversation and exploration of them. It has been my honor to facilitate sessions for givers of care in which we explored the nuances of their experiences and shared beliefs and wisdom gained by giving care and caring. Some of these eight have come directly from these groups.
They are not in any special or rank order of importance, but appear as I think about and reflect on them. They are independent, but are mutually interdependent on each other, for if we fail to understand one of them, all of them can become more problematic to our care of others for they prevent us from truly walking them home. In preventing us from this important and yet difficult task, we hinder our own body, spirit, and sense of connection to others.
*****************
1. Do what is asked of you immediately. Never think about any other demands or responsibilities you carry. Sense the apparent immediacy of the request and try to fulfill it immediately. Don't think, just do.
2. Attempt to complete all that is needed or asked of you by yourself. Never allow yourself to think about or ask for assistance. Feel the need to do it all alone and respond only to that feeling.
3. Never take a day off. Never even think about a day off. Be possessive and see yourself as the one and only person available and capable.
4. Never ask for help! Ever...It is a done deal as far as you are concerned.
5. Disregard your own health and welfare. Never see a physician, or heaven forbid, a therapist trained in how to help you navigate this journey you have constructed.
6. Don't vent! Never complain or seek someone to think this through with. They will confuse you and maybe just get you thinking differently, and this is unacceptable.
7. Give up everything you enjoy in life. Never reward yourself or replenish your emotional battery. Deny your needs completely. Do nothing that brings you joy or pleasure, alone or in the company of those important to you.There will surely be time, someday, to think about yourself, but certainly not now.
8. If you have a family, disregard them. They will soon feel disconnected from you and the support they could give if you were ever there for them by being there for yourself...
****************
What we have discussed here seems so obvious, so elementary, that it would not be important to talk about and share. But it is. Look at yourself a little bit more clearly and if you are within the eight beliefs by your actions, now is the time to consider another path, another route to your care giving. Mostly, seek the guidance of a mentor skilled in the various beliefs and behaviors of care giving. Change is available.
While I struggle with whether I have taken the words of Ram Dass too far, or misinterpreted them, I believe that if we are to fulfill our purpose and intention of giving care, there are a number of beliefs that can and will hinder our care and cut short our value to others in this important and difficult work. For in fact, "We're all just walking each other home."
For those who are mourning the loss of someone they love, for those suffering from pain and grief, and for families struggling with finances, emotional, turmoil, and chronic stress, their days are filled with isolation, loneliness, alienation from others,and a lack of constancy in values and shared beliefs. They feel disconnected and suffer greatly in silence.
If people are receiving care from others in their family or professionals,or that care is often from non-family members who frequently travel great distances, a dysfunctional system may be constructed that puts them all, care givers, receivers, and their families, in peril.
While care givers may be professionals in their field, many of us are family or friends or simply people with a desire to care for those who need care and caring. Some of these people, professional or volunteer, care for those in their final journey all the way home to their death. They may also continue to provide care for the remaining families and those most affected by the loss. And yet, the givers of care should never perceive their work of care and caring as not requiring support and guidance and deep reflection if they are to not burn out or become impaired themselves.
The psychological sciences have explored the components of care giving, and I have also been the receiver of care and a giver of care. I would like to offer eight beliefs that are counter productive to effective care giving. . There may be more than these eight, but certainly not less. Some may substitute others for these eight, but the intrinsic value is in conversation and exploration of them. It has been my honor to facilitate sessions for givers of care in which we explored the nuances of their experiences and shared beliefs and wisdom gained by giving care and caring. Some of these eight have come directly from these groups.
They are not in any special or rank order of importance, but appear as I think about and reflect on them. They are independent, but are mutually interdependent on each other, for if we fail to understand one of them, all of them can become more problematic to our care of others for they prevent us from truly walking them home. In preventing us from this important and yet difficult task, we hinder our own body, spirit, and sense of connection to others.
*****************
1. Do what is asked of you immediately. Never think about any other demands or responsibilities you carry. Sense the apparent immediacy of the request and try to fulfill it immediately. Don't think, just do.
2. Attempt to complete all that is needed or asked of you by yourself. Never allow yourself to think about or ask for assistance. Feel the need to do it all alone and respond only to that feeling.
3. Never take a day off. Never even think about a day off. Be possessive and see yourself as the one and only person available and capable.
4. Never ask for help! Ever...It is a done deal as far as you are concerned.
5. Disregard your own health and welfare. Never see a physician, or heaven forbid, a therapist trained in how to help you navigate this journey you have constructed.
6. Don't vent! Never complain or seek someone to think this through with. They will confuse you and maybe just get you thinking differently, and this is unacceptable.
7. Give up everything you enjoy in life. Never reward yourself or replenish your emotional battery. Deny your needs completely. Do nothing that brings you joy or pleasure, alone or in the company of those important to you.There will surely be time, someday, to think about yourself, but certainly not now.
8. If you have a family, disregard them. They will soon feel disconnected from you and the support they could give if you were ever there for them by being there for yourself...
****************
What we have discussed here seems so obvious, so elementary, that it would not be important to talk about and share. But it is. Look at yourself a little bit more clearly and if you are within the eight beliefs by your actions, now is the time to consider another path, another route to your care giving. Mostly, seek the guidance of a mentor skilled in the various beliefs and behaviors of care giving. Change is available.
While I struggle with whether I have taken the words of Ram Dass too far, or misinterpreted them, I believe that if we are to fulfill our purpose and intention of giving care, there are a number of beliefs that can and will hinder our care and cut short our value to others in this important and difficult work. For in fact, "We're all just walking each other home."
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