It was Ram Dass who said .." We're all just walking each other home." This statement seems to be a very beautiful metaphor: that by being a giver of care, we can all assist others in their journey home, to what ever and where ever that home is. To a home that hopefully is a return to health, but sometimes not, to a home that is one of renewed spirit, but sometimes not, to a home of living with and through chronic illness, or to a home no longer on this earth.
For those who are mourning the loss of someone they love, for those suffering from pain and grief, and for families struggling with finances, emotional, turmoil, and chronic stress, their days are filled with isolation, loneliness, alienation from others,and a lack of constancy in values and shared beliefs. They feel disconnected and suffer greatly in silence.
If people are receiving care from others in their family or professionals,or that care is often from non-family members who frequently travel great distances, a dysfunctional system may be constructed that puts them all, care givers, receivers, and their families, in peril.
While care givers may be professionals in their field, many of us are family or friends or simply people with a desire to care for those who need care and caring. Some of these people, professional or volunteer, care for those in their final journey all the way home to their death. They may also continue to provide care for the remaining families and those most affected by the loss. And yet, the givers of care should never perceive their work of care and caring as not requiring support and guidance and deep reflection if they are to not burn out or become impaired themselves.
The psychological sciences have explored the components of care giving, and I have also been the receiver of care and a giver of care. I would like to offer eight beliefs that are counter productive to effective care giving. . There may be more than these eight, but certainly not less. Some may substitute others for these eight, but the intrinsic value is in conversation and exploration of them. It has been my honor to facilitate sessions for givers of care in which we explored the nuances of their experiences and shared beliefs and wisdom gained by giving care and caring. Some of these eight have come directly from these groups.
They are not in any special or rank order of importance, but appear as I think about and reflect on them. They are independent, but are mutually interdependent on each other, for if we fail to understand one of them, all of them can become more problematic to our care of others for they prevent us from truly walking them home. In preventing us from this important and yet difficult task, we hinder our own body, spirit, and sense of connection to others.
*****************
1. Do what is asked of you immediately. Never think about any other demands or responsibilities you carry. Sense the apparent immediacy of the request and try to fulfill it immediately. Don't think, just do.
2. Attempt to complete all that is needed or asked of you by yourself. Never allow yourself to think about or ask for assistance. Feel the need to do it all alone and respond only to that feeling.
3. Never take a day off. Never even think about a day off. Be possessive and see yourself as the one and only person available and capable.
4. Never ask for help! Ever...It is a done deal as far as you are concerned.
5. Disregard your own health and welfare. Never see a physician, or heaven forbid, a therapist trained in how to help you navigate this journey you have constructed.
6. Don't vent! Never complain or seek someone to think this through with. They will confuse you and maybe just get you thinking differently, and this is unacceptable.
7. Give up everything you enjoy in life. Never reward yourself or replenish your emotional battery. Deny your needs completely. Do nothing that brings you joy or pleasure, alone or in the company of those important to you.There will surely be time, someday, to think about yourself, but certainly not now.
8. If you have a family, disregard them. They will soon feel disconnected from you and the support they could give if you were ever there for them by being there for yourself...
****************
What we have discussed here seems so obvious, so elementary, that it would not be important to talk about and share. But it is. Look at yourself a little bit more clearly and if you are within the eight beliefs by your actions, now is the time to consider another path, another route to your care giving. Mostly, seek the guidance of a mentor skilled in the various beliefs and behaviors of care giving. Change is available.
While I struggle with whether I have taken the words of Ram Dass too far, or misinterpreted them, I believe that if we are to fulfill our purpose and intention of giving care, there are a number of beliefs that can and will hinder our care and cut short our value to others in this important and difficult work. For in fact, "We're all just walking each other home."
No comments:
Post a Comment