Well, summer seems over and many families are prepared, for the very first time, to send their sons and daughters to colleges across the country. I hope some go to the University of Wisconsin- wonderful school and they will forever be badgers. I still am.
This is a also a terrific time for fathers and daughters to revisit their relationship. Every family goes through stages that comprise its life cycle. As it goes from stage to stage, there is a transitional time in-between stages in which important changes in relationships between family members can and do occur. This is such a time. While these changes are normative and expected, they are not always easy to accomplish or can be done with little stress or challenge. But they do happen and family members can be transformed both personally and within their relationships as a result.
As a family counselor, I worked with families to anticipate and facilitate such remarkable changes. One change that may hopefully occur is how fathers relate to daughters who have gone away to school.
Let me stereotype for just a moment...dads and men are problem solvers. "What do you need? How much money will it take? What can I send you? Let me do this or that for you" Discussions about interactions, feelings, and dynamics of relationships may be passed on to moms. If it is about hurt feelings or problems with relationships, you may direct the conversation to mom. That is the way so many men have interacted at home, so you perpetuate the system when daughters go to school. End of stereotype.
But dads, it doesn't have to be divided into actions and interactions! Now is the best time to rehearse the new you, the kind of man your daughter may not be used to, but the kind of dad you may have wanted to be all along. I see it as a growth potential for men who are also dads.
For purposes of this post, I will not discuss fathers and sons, or mothers and daughters/sons. That will be another time, after you have practiced and demonstrated that you can relate to your daughter in an equally empathic and interaction-based mode. So, dads, here are eight dynamically posed comments/questions to help you become the real you and in the process, enhance and deepen your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter finally calls, you grab the phone ( you miss her already), but she doesn't ask for anything...she wants to talk over a problem she is having that is hurting her emotionally and causing her some sadness. No, she doesn't need anything and you cannot fix or solve her dilemma by doing something. You have to be present, in this moment with her, and listen, but really listen.
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Instead of handing the phone to mom, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and begin.
1. Can you tell me what is happening and how you are feeling ?
2. Have you ever felt this way before?
3, How did you handle it then?
4. What is different now for you?
5. Now, tell her you know how she is feeling because you hear and feel that she is upset, hurt, and sad, or even angry.
6. Now, tell her you know what it feels like to have these feelings for they happened to you also.
7. Now, tell her that you know these feelings hurt and make her sad and also angry.
8. Finally,tell her that you are here for her, as mom is, and you, yes you, want to help her cope more wisely and feel better, regardless....
Point- If you really want to keep it just as it was, then do not attempt this. You will fail and all in the family will feel off balance. What I am suggesting is that with the family dynamics changing by her going off to college, you have a splendid opportunity to provide a new way of relating to her. It also takes conversations with mom, for her support and understanding, and even her blessing.
Question-Will it be successful the first time? Maybe not- remember your daughter and wife are used to you being one way for so long that the new you may be unusual or suspect for raised eye brows etc. One dad told me in therapy that his wife was wondering if he had lots of other changes he was planning. Another dad suggested that a conflict developed between him and mom because she was just too used to the way it was, and she didn't want the hassle of his changing; besides, she saw it as her job and he had sons to deal with better than he was doing anyway..
Finally-It is great to be a problem solver. My wife solves problems as well or better than I do, but we try not to divide problem solving from interaction solving. Maybe, in the end, they are the same thing, but for now, how about it dads, give it a try. You are probably thinking that this really won't work. That it is not a good idea. Maybe to try it when she is a sophomore.
Well- Why don't you take another deep breath and...practice it, reflect on it, be more self-aware, and increase your psychological depth. These skills may not be very popular or even promoted these days, but are really important as a family changes over time. Maybe, as your family grows, experiences like this can make all these family changes and issues very worthwhile.
Life is always about challenges and the unexpected happening, so plan for this. You may just like where this will take your relationship with your daughter. And who knows, maybe while you pull this off you will change in the process. I am very hopeful for you and will cover your back.
Special thanks to Dr. Kyle Dean Pruett who originated this fascinating potential conversation between dads and their daughters in WebMD.COM. June, 2014.
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