Six Observations When Someone Comes to You to Talk...

Why is that people come to talk to you? What do they want from you? Why now?  Can you give them what they are asking for? Are you the right person for them?
Well, I have been thinking about these questions for a long time and suggest that there at least six observations you should consider before agreeing to be part of these conversations.

1. Is the person coming to see you for advise, recommendations and an action plan?

2. Is the person coming to solicit your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. and they will produce an action plan?

3.  The person is looking for your input about something, but really plans no action or behavioral changes as a result, at least for now?

4. How will engaging in any of these conversations effect your relationship?

5. What feelings will be generated by these conversations in both of you?

6.  What if the person is simply collecting opinions from a variety of sources and you happen to be one of the many?

 Bob came to me and asked my advise about Thomas.  Bob had just been appointed Director of our firm and told me that Thomas had been spreading rumors and telling people that he should have gotten the job and that Bob got it unfairly.

I suggested that Bob invite Thomas in and tell him that any further such actions would be insubordination and he would fire Thomas. Bob listened, asked no questions and left my office.  Shortly after, I heard Thomas going into Bob's office, the door closed and  after five minutes, Thomas emerged and shuffled down the long hallway. Bob reappeared and said he did it. I asked how it went and he said fine and left.  We never spoke of it again because that one time he said we were never to discuss it!  Bob never asked my advice again, ever, even though Thomas reversed course and became a loyal and faithful employee.

Several years later, Bob moved up the corporate ladder and never said goodbye.  When I would see him, he gave me a look like we have a secret and a secret it will stay.  Since the result worked well, what happened? Since Bob refused to share his insights and reflections I will do mine. I believe Bob was very uncomfortable admitting his insecurity and uncertainties. At a time when the stakes were high for him, he was unable to put together a plan to help himself. I believe he felt that regardless of the outcome, he would not put himself into a position that would make him feel the way he did.
In retrospect, I never felt any less regard for him when he asked my advice, for we all can be in that position. I only felt sad that Bob never gave himself the chance to be OK with me. Maybe next time someone comes to me, I will ask, " How do you think our relationship will change as a result of this conversation?" Well, maybe I will not.